情感咨询：从恋爱到人妻人母，婚姻就活该向现实妥协吗

 you dao：“conglianaidaorenqirenmu，hunyinjiuhuogaixiangxianshituoxiema？”ganqinghemianbaodewentiyizhiyilaishibijiaoduorenyudaode，huazhenqingganzaibenwenfenxiangyigehunhouanli，gaosunizheileiwentiruhechuli。

一、情感咨询

baobaochushenghou，fuqiganqingruhebudongmian？

 benrennv，1987，shengao160，tizhong45。jiehunyinian，haizi7geyue，hunqianzaishanghaigongzuo8nian，dai20jirendexiaoshoutuandui，nianxin20-30wan。

 laogongshengao173，tizhong78，hunqianzaishenzhen，qudaojingli2nian，jinronggongsi2nian，nianxin30wanzuoyou，cong18niankaishibutingdihuanlehaoduogongzuo，meicigongzuobuchaoguo2geyue，19nianshangbannianzaijiaxiuxi4geyue，muqianzaishenzhen，wozailaojialiushoudaihaizi。

 wenti：ziconghaizichushengyihou，wulunshizaiyiqihaishiyidi，chuleliaohaizidehuati，jiumeiyouyidianguanyuwomenzijidehuati。

 qichuwohuizhudongliaoyixiehaiziderichang，houlaitalianzijidegongzuoxingye、neirong、daiyudoubugenwoliao，haiyaoqiuwobuyaobadaihaizideneixiefanxinshishuojitating。

manmandi，wojiuantadeyisi，shenmedoubushuo。

 danshi，zheiyangdeshenghuowofaxianshiyouwentide，suoyizuotianwoxiaoxindi、zhudongdigentatichuwodexiangfa，zuihoufaxiangoutongqilai“niutoubuduimazui”，wobiaodadeyisihetalijiedewanquanshilianghuishi，wobuzhidaowentichuzainali？

hunqianwomenshiwuhuabutan。shenghaizineitianwanshangwomenwanfanhouliaodao12dianduo，zhunbeishuijuefaxianhaiziyaochushengle。

xianzaihuixiangqilai，tayushijiulengzhan，congbudaoqian，buzhengmiangoutong，wozhudonggoutong，tajiushuowomeishizhaoshi。

 zaiwozheiliyijingjiyalehenduoshi，haimeiyoudedaojiejue。yexuduitalaijiang，lengzhanhou，yigeyuelianggeyuebutijiuguoqule，tashihuibixingrenge，woshijijinxingrenge。

suqiu：zheiyangdefuqiganqinghainenghuidaohunqianma？woshenzhixiangguolihun。

二、情感解答

da：congdanshendaozujianjiating，ranhouyouhaizi，zheishijuedabufenrenzuizhongdouhuijinrudezhuangtai。

erhenduofuqiganqingdepolie，wangwangjiufashengzaishuangfangzujianjiatingyoulehaizizhihoudezheiduanshijian。

yinweizheishi，haizibujinhuichengweifuqishuangfangdeyigezhongyaoyalilaiyuan，erqieyehuichengweitamendeyigezhongdarenshengtiaozhan。

 suoyi，“baobaochushengzhihou，fuqiganqingruhebudongmian？haizichushengdaozhifuqiguanxijinzhang，ruhejinxingqingganxiufu？”zhendeshiyigefeichangxiyinwomendezhuti，yeshihenzhidegendajiafenxiangdeyileitimu。

suoyijintian，womenjiucongrenshengguihuadejiaodutanyitan：yudaoleisiwentigaizenmechuzhi？

zaizhengshikaitanzhiqian，womenyechangdaosuoyoufuqi：

zaiyaohaizizhiqian，yinggaiyouyigechongfendetaolun，yigeguanyushengyudeguihua。

 ruguoshuangfangmeiyoutanhaozenmefuyanghaizi，zenmequkandaiqinziguanxiyijiqinziguanxidangzhongkenengchuxiandewenti，meiyouduizheixiejinxingchongfendetaolunbingdachenggongshi，jiuhenrongyixianruwuqu，jinrudaofeichangfuzaqiechongmantiaozhandejingdi。

suoyi，zaizhunbeiyaohaizizhiqian，yingjinkenengjinxingchongfentaolunhezuohaoshengyuzhiqianwanshandeguihua。

dangranwomenyezhidao，jinjintongguoguihuahetaolunbukenengfugaisuoyoudewenti，danshiyaojizhu：

 suoyouzhongdaderenshengxuanze，youguihuayongyuanbimeiyouguihuahao，youzhunbeiyongyuanbimeiyouzhunbeihao，youtaolunyongyuanbibingmeiyoutaolunhao。

 jiexialai，jiezhezheigegushi，womencongqigefangmianlaijidajiafenxiangyixieganhuo。meiyouhaizideren，keyiweiyuchoumou，xianbazheipianwenzhangshouzangqilai；youlehaizide，keyiduizhengxiayao。

第一、心态建设

yudaoyigeqingganshangdenantishi，womenzuichangjiandeshizheiyangyizhongzhuangtai：

wozenyangcainenghuidaoguoqu？

zheishidabufenrenyudaowentideshihou，zuichangjiandeyizhongzhuangtai。

renshengyigongyousanzhongzhuangtai：guoqu、xianzai，heweilai。guoquyongyuanhuibuqu，weilaiyongyuanqubudao，ninengbawodezhiyouxianzai。

bingqie，womenxuyaoshenkedirenshidao：womenyongyuanbukenengliangcitajintongyitiaoheliu。

jiuxianzaideqingkuangeryan，haiziyijingchushengle，bukenengbatasaihuiqu，bukenenghuidaocongqian。

wentizuijiadejiejuefangan，yezhishizaixianyoudejichushangxunzhaofuqiliangrenxindexiangchuzhidaohexindepingheng。

dangniyouzhe“fuqiganqinghainenghuidaohunqian”deyuqishi，nidexintaihenrongyibeng。

zhiyoubawoxianzaidejiyu，zhongxingoujianyigexindepingheng，caishiyigejiankangqierongyirangzijiguodebijiaoshufudeyigexintai。

第二、情感修复是一个过程，而不是一种结果。

henduorenyudaowentideshihou，xiangdezhijieshi：wozhiyaonengzuodaoshenme，jiuhaole。

birushuofuqishuangfangyudaowenti，zhiyaofuqishuangfangduoduodandai，huxianglijie，huxiangguanxin，huxiangrenrangjiuhaole。

wentishi，meiyouzhongjiangaibianhexuexideguocheng，zheishijueduibukenengzuodaode。

dagebifang，zheiyoudianxiangyigenanhaiquzhuiyigenvsheng，tabukenengganggangjianmianjiugenduifangshuo：“womenmingtianjubanhunliba？”

 jubanhunlishiyigejieguo，erlianggerencongrenshi、jiaowang，zhidaojiehun，zheishiyigebijingdeguocheng。womenbukenengshenglvesuoyoudeguocheng，zhijiededaojieguo。

suoyi，nibunenggoutiaoguoxiufudeguocheng，zhijiededaolianggerenqingganxiufuhaodezheigejieguo。

第三、所有情感修复框架，都是「追」与「逃」的关系。

shenmeshi「zhui」yu「tao」deguanxi？

ruguoduifangyijingcheditaopao，yijingfenshouhuolihun，zheigeshihoujiubujiao「xiufu」，erjiao「wanhui」。

那什么是修复？

xiufujiushilianggerenhaimeiyoulihun，haimeiyoufenkai，zhishishuangfangzaidonglishangduizheiduanguanxichuxianleyigetaopaogenzhuizhudeguanxi。

jiuhaoxiangnishuotashihuibixingrenge，nishijijinxingrenge。

wocaixiang，nixiangshuodeshi：tashihuibixingdeyilianfengge，nishibijiaojiaolvde、zhanzhedeyilianfenggeguanxi。

 danwoxiangshuodeshi，zaixiufukuangjiashangnikeyixianfangxiazheixiedongxi，yinweinimenzhenggedexiufukuangjiakeyifeichangjiandandikanzuo「zhui」yu「tao」deguanxi。

eryigechenggongdexiufukuangjia，shouxianshizhuizhudeneigerenyaoxiantingxialai。

birunizailiaotianjilulichengxianchuzhizedezhuangtai，jiuyaoxiantingxialai。

zhiyoudangnixiantingzhizhize，tingzhizhuizhu，taopaodeneigerencaihuitingxialai。

 shenzhizaiyikaishideshihou，tabuhuiliketingxialai。tahuiyoudianhuyidihuitoukanyikan，quedingduifangshibushibuzaijixuzhuizhu，buzaijixugongjile，zaimanman、manmanditingxialai。

zheishiyigezhengtikuangjia，nibubawozhuzheiyidianshijueduibukenengxiufuchenggongde。

 zongshang，yaoxiangxiufuchenggong，shouxianshizhuiderenyaotingxialai，taoderencaihuitingxialai。yaoburanyigerenzhui，yigerentao，zhihuiranglianggerendeguanxiyuelaiyueyuan。

第四、在宏观层面看清整个关系的变化

conghongguancengmiankan，nimenlianggerendeguanxicongeryuanguanxibianchenglesangerendesanyuanguanxi。

 zaiguoqu，nimenfuqishuangfangshiyigenannverrenshijiedexiaoxitong，danxianzaibianchengleyinanyinvjiayigehaizidesanyuanguanxidaxitong。

zaizheigeguochengdangzhong，niyaomingbaiyigedaoli：

 guoquyingduizheigeeryuanxitongdesuoyoubanfa，zaixindesanyuanxitonglimiandoushixiaole。huanjuhuashuo，niyaoduizhenggexitongshengjigaizao，erbushishituyongguoqudeyixiegongjuhebanfalaimianduixindewenti。

 zhengrunibukenengyongxiumachedegongjuquxiuqicheyiyang，machegenqicheshiliangjianbutongdedongxi，qichedezhenggelingjianhexitongdougenmacheshibutongde。suoyiniyaomingbai，mianduixinwenti，yaoyongxinfangfa。

从第五点开始，我们谈谈具体操作。

gaozhiliangdelianjieyidingbushifunengliangde。

dangran，shirendouyoufunengliang，keyibiaoda，yeyinggaibiaoda。

 erxianzainimenshuangfangzhishaoyoulehaizi，haizibenlaijiushiyigeqingganlianjie，danweishenmeduifanghuiyaoqiunibuyaobadaihaizineixiefanxinshishuojitatingni？

yinweikenengnigentashuohaizideshihou，manhanbaoyuan。

wobuzhidaonimenzhijianshizenmetanlunhaizide，tanlunxijieruhe，danwocaixiangzheixie“fanxinshi”kenengshi：

小孩又哭啦；

小孩又没睡好；

xiaohaiyoubazheigechuangdannongzangle；

……

ruguojinjinshizheixiebaoyuangenzhize，jiugoubuchengqingganlianjie。

niyuanbenkeyifenxiangdeyinggaishi：

xiaohaixianzaiyanjinghuidongla；

wasai，tajintianhenbang，huifanshenla；

哟，会走路了呢；

现在会说话啦；

……

zheixieyouzhehenduoxiyuechengzhangdebufen。woxiangxintazuoweiyigefuqin，shiyuanyitingzheixiede。

 buyaozhishibahaizibianchengfanxinshi，tayuanbenyinggaichengweinimengongtongdexiyueyuanquan，zheicaishiqingganlianjiedejuticaozuo，erbushibatachengchenzhongdefudangenzhize。

第六、聊天的微观操作

zhuyi，yongyuanjizhuliaotianyouliangtiaoxiansuo：qingxuxianheluojixian。

nihuifaxian，niyizhizaishitujiangdaoli，conglaimeiyouchengjieqingxu。

liaotianxianliaoqingxuxian，xianyaoyouyigeqinggancengmiandegoutonggenhuiying。

 birudangnigentashuo“youlebaobao，wogennidelianjiezhiyoubaobao，meiyoushenmekeliaode。”qishi，zheishiniyinggaitanlundeshizijideqingxu。

 erduifangshuo“shenghuoxuyaodongdejieshou”，wokeyidudao，zheijuhualiyunzangzheyizhongqingxu：birushibushitayeyouyizhongwukenaihe？womenshibushikeyihuiyingzheizhongqingxushuo“shia，shenghuohaoxiangqueshitingwunaide”，shibushikeyiyouzheiyangyizhongqingganhuiyingni？

youbirushuo，nixianzaizhidaotashiqudaojingli，zaijinronggongsi，butingdihuanlehaoduogongzuo，meicigongzuobuchaoguo2geyue。

neinixiangxiang，tahuanlezheimeduogongzuo，gongzuoshizhangmeicibuchaoguolianggeyue，zheishishenmeyangdeqingkuang？

tachuzaishenmeyangdejiaolvzhizhong？

duiyutadefanzao、tiaozhan、wenti，tadeqingxushishenmeni？

nikeyizenmequhuiyingta？

zheishiliaotianxianliaoqingxuxiandeyigezhongdian。

baokuotashuo，“wodehuashishuojiniting，yeshishuojizijiting”deshihou，zheibeihouyinzangzheshenmeyangdeqingxu？

niyoumeiyouquchengjiezheigeqingxu？

niliangdeliaotianjiushigeshuogede，meiyouchengjiezhuzheigeqingxuxian，zhenggeliaotianquandoushizailunzhanzhongjinxing。

第七、文字聊天有一个重点——不要进行批阅式聊天。

zheifenliaotianjilujiushidianxingdepiyueshiliaotian。

jiuxianglaoshipigaizuoye，nibayizhangtujiechulai，quangehongxianrenghuiqu。

baokuonihuishuo“zheijigezinizijiduodujibian。”niyoumeiyoujuedezheihenxianglaoshigenxueshengdeyizhongduihua？

 zheizhongqingkuanghuizhijiezaochengyigeyanzhonghouguo：nanrenhuijuede“woduoshuoduocuo，neihaiburubushuo，burushaoshuo，shaoshuowohainengshaofandiancuo，shaobeinijiuchujigemaobing。”

 suoyi，nihuifaxiantadeliaotianyueliaoyueshao。weishenme？yinweitabuzhidaogaishuoshenme，yexunajuhuashuocuole，youbeinijiuchulaihuayigedahongquanrenghuilai，neizenmebanni？

 congjintianqi，woxiwangwomensuoyoudeduzhe，sheidoubuyaozaigaozheizhongjietuquanhongxianzairenghuiqudeliaotianle，zheigenpidouyoushenmequbie？

liaotianbushizaizhaoduicuo，goutongshizailianjielianggerendezhuguanshijie，lianjiexinyuxindejuli。

zongshangsuoshu，wozuihousongjisuoyouzaiqingganzhongyudaokunnan，xuyaoxiufudebanlvyiduanhua。

人生存在两个世界：

yigeshi「naodeshijie」，niyongdanaoxiangyixiangjiuhuizhidaoduiyucuo。

biru：haizijintianyoumeiyouzheliang？haizijintianzenmele？zheishinaoziquxiangdeshi。

chulezheige，haiyouyigeshijieshi「xindeshijie」。

biru：tongguohaiziwoganshoudaoleshenme？

zongzhi，womenrenleijiushenghuozaizheiyanglianggeshijielimian：

yigeshi「keguandeshishi」，jifashengleshenmeshiqing；

 haiyouyigeshi「zhuguandekanfa」，biru“wojiujingshizenmekandaizheijianshide？woyoushenmeyangdeganshou？wodexinuaileshizenyangde？”

yongyuanjizhu，lianggerenzaiyiqidelianjie，shouxianshixinyuxindelianjie，shixinuailedelianjie。

 ruguoqingxushangdexinuailemeiyoulianjiedaoyiqi，bicimeiyouzhenzhengdikanjianduifang，shuangfangdeyanlijiumeiyouduifang。zheizhongmeiyouxinlinglianjiedeganqing，zhongjiangkujie。

今天的这个故事，送给所有在情感中遇到挫折，遇到困难的夫妻。衷心希望你们能够通过心与心的连接，重新激活和修复一段感情。